I tune on my regular VC people in awhile... I had a nagging suspicion in the back of my head that they might feel off with me

But literally everyone greeted me enthusiastically... so I dont need to doubt them

I'm very hesitant with a lot of connections for awhile, I dont have good ones with school thanks to mental illness and some online ones

I'm not sure itll ever be emotionally stable...

I woke up from a terrible dream, I don't like bathroom stalls very much. So Ive been waking up pretty early lately. I dont like waking up before the sun rises. Because I'd feel tired by the time it comes

Getting into a sensitive topic back to back can knock me out when I'm not careful... well I haven't cried in awhile so it's fine, me when I'm sexually traumatised as if that's anyone's business... stop means stop and read the room and leave it there

Also dont ever show me self harm art of real people ever again even if its fictionalized not my thing

Im a little emotionally tired, its a pretty heavy game I didn't wanna go it into detail on X since its a game from a real lived traumatic experience so I cant just prattle on whatever where she can see... especially sexual topic regardig a real person, an already uncomfortable and stigmatised experience

But its a very effective game, it made me a little shook and almost scared at times, like I want to shrivel up... but that's a necessary evil to give the message across to the player... if 'evil' the author hurting the player to tell her story then I can accept it

Sometimes I still think about it, if this was the right decision to approach this. I wanted to really scare them off and make them realise there's nothing about me that's appealing in any way, I have no good traits they can find worth putting up with me for, especially after how I've told him off.

They'll start cherishing the ones they have and finally grow out of me now having woken up... and there's no good reason to keep up with me at all.

I realised one day how there is no good ending out of this... I can't fulfill any roles I'm expected to play, a devoted believer...(?) And they also can't inspire me especially with these explosive encounters... it's too skewed and unrecoverable

So there is no point... I think?

Also I noticed the lurking right after a remark was made her wished someone cared for him genuinely like this character probably after reading me reminiscing my past of writing my paper...

Well that's the curse of 2nd-hand reading... I cant clarify everything... I can never tell them that was just me from before now and I think its better to be thought negatively than positively

There's been a lot going on in my life lately but we'll start with the regular simple daily life things

Life:

I've been taking care of a spayed cat that still has leftover tissue that causes heat symptoms, so my sleep has been a little off, but I got a decent one today since she's been very quiet.

I clicked the Random Journal option and it's interesting to read lives of people who don't use social media regularly, unless the fandom ones. I even started using the same meal pattern as this elderly person's meal because I think it'd be good for me... so now I understand a bit why people like reading other people's thoughts that aren't just about their interests

I'm starting my capstone project soon, time flew by so fast it's only dawning on me that I'm really graduating soon, huh.. I hope to focus more on school for the rest of the year

Interests:

That umamusume movie really given me a fresh perspective of the entire series and what the message the brand brings... All I see are 'i got kitasan black x242343' or building guides, at least on my timeline.

I wanted to get in the story so I thought I'd choose the most personally compelling ones, which is Beginning of a New Era one. Outside of the roguelike gameplay itself, this is the emotional aspect that brings the trainers and the horse girls together. I'm glad I watched it, as the repetitive gameplay alone isn't enough for me to get fully hooked in

(I'm also guilty of getting hyped over getting kitasan black... I was reading the event story where she was one of the main characters, and it made me really like her so I impulsively pulled for her)

I wanna rewatch it but on a screen with better colors and a bigger screen... it can't replicate the feeling of watching it in theaters (It was only premiered in Japan, and it's been several years since then) I'm gonna force my brother to let me borrow his HDMI cable so I can connect my laptop to the telly

Personal:

I'm having a very difficult situation with a person and I got really angry at them so then I decided to be more straightforward, I think a little more serious... it would be hard to believe me harboring these feelings for them...I think I'd like them to sit on it and think where this came from

Misc:

It's already 9:43am, blogging helps me structure my thoughts in the morning rather than impulsively tweet them ever since how the internet forced us to stay in one bubble. I'm becoming one of those people that yearn for the old web...

i've been reading nyaira, the creator of NOS's blog posts and it inspired to return to creating blog posts. It's a little late right now as my body's internal temperature feels unusually hot so it's difficult to rest... but i want to write something, anything even if it's a simple blog post like this

i've recently confronted someone in my life and decided to properly tell them how i feel about them. now i want to spend the rest of my semester break that will end in a few days by catching up with some games i've been playing and trying out new hobbies such as writing

my body felt unusually heavy lately, is it because of coping with illness recovery or because i haven't taken my adhd medication for awhile. i misplaced my ID so i couldn't retrieve the meds (i found it in my laptop bag in the end)

i'm not sure what i'll do tomorrow... i've played too many games so i'm a little tired of them, maybe continue with some room-cleaning

i thought of deleting my old posts because it's kind of cringe but it's written with refreshing passion... so i'll leave them there

other news... i started therapy and it's been really helping me, it opened my eyes to a bit of why i've come to be the person i am... it definitely beats self-analyzing repetitively on a random account. i recommend it a lot

I've been thinking about what kind of bon do I like. I always imagine him as someone who is completely at ease with himself, freely indulging in his interests without a care in the world, even if it upsets others. he may go extreme sometimes, since he has a penchant for pain (lol), but he doesn't care, if he likes something, he will go with it.

this may be vague unless you know me (lol) but it's fine... I'm just speculating to myself in the form of this post

I think I like seeing him this way because he seems admirable like this, so I kinda feel a sense of optimism myself thinking about him being confidence in his madness. kokichi only pretends to be this way, which is also a big reason why I like him but... I want to imagine a version of kokichi where he is unhinged sincerely.

thinking about bon being able to cause problems makes me smile, because I'm the opposite of that. I'm kinda scared of getting yelled at for messing up and making trouble, so seeing bon like that is fun. this may be also a reason why I dislike timid bon

I have more detailed Bon hcs, but I'm hesitant to share them yet. maybe one day once I have them figured out