Sudden Good morning post

There's been a lot going on in my life lately but we'll start with the regular simple daily life things

Life:

I've been taking care of a spayed cat that still has leftover tissue that causes heat symptoms, so my sleep has been a little off, but I got a decent one today since she's been very quiet.

I clicked the Random Journal option and it's interesting to read lives of people who don't use social media regularly, unless the fandom ones. I even started using the same meal pattern as this elderly person's meal because I think it'd be good for me... so now I understand a bit why people like reading other people's thoughts that aren't just about their interests

I'm starting my capstone project soon, time flew by so fast it's only dawning on me that I'm really graduating soon, huh.. I hope to focus more on school for the rest of the year

Interests:

That umamusume movie really given me a fresh perspective of the entire series and what the message the brand brings... All I see are 'i got kitasan black x242343' or building guides, at least on my timeline.

I wanted to get in the story so I thought I'd choose the most personally compelling ones, which is Beginning of a New Era one. Outside of the roguelike gameplay itself, this is the emotional aspect that brings the trainers and the horse girls together. I'm glad I watched it, as the repetitive gameplay alone isn't enough for me to get fully hooked in

(I'm also guilty of getting hyped over getting kitasan black... I was reading the event story where she was one of the main characters, and it made me really like her so I impulsively pulled for her)

I wanna rewatch it but on a screen with better colors and a bigger screen... it can't replicate the feeling of watching it in theaters (It was only premiered in Japan, and it's been several years since then) I'm gonna force my brother to let me borrow his HDMI cable so I can connect my laptop to the telly

Personal:

I'm having a very difficult situation with a person and I got really angry at them so then I decided to be more straightforward, I think a little more serious... it would be hard to believe me harboring these feelings for them...I think I'd like them to sit on it and think where this came from

Misc:

It's already 9:43am, blogging helps me structure my thoughts in the morning rather than impulsively tweet them ever since how the internet forced us to stay in one bubble. I'm becoming one of those people that yearn for the old web...

[vent] Censorship, personal struggles and online communities (cw: RPF self-harm)

I thought of adding this to the same blog post but I feel like it came out of nowhere, especially it briefly mentions something like self-harm and RPF

Lately I've been cruising in a specific online space, where there's fanartists and so on. I saw some nice art so I decided to see what else they drew; it was several pictures of self-harm of celebs I happen to follow

I know the separation... fictionalizing the celebs' online persona and the real person... that it's an agreed morally-grey area... but I still can't help but wonder how fans could separate them so easily, and how it doesn't make them feel nauseous... how can you still go and still choose to talk to them as if they haven't made any such thing I wonder. This is just about understanding my feelings rather trying to make them look worse

With the rise of censorship efforts it's tone deaf to for me to say any of this, even how uncomfortable it is... I guess I'm just frustrated more at the combined spaces that's forcing people with separate interests to interact with one another.

Yeah so I have been a little uncomfortable having to see nsfw RPF spaces, especially when it becomes more and more routine. But that's no one's fault here, not the celebs nor the fans that engage it... just how the current online climate works. Privacy is no longer allowed unless we jump into an entirely different website

So in the end, supporting anti-censorship also means to protect these works, the ones that make me want to hurl... and devastate the celebs themselves hopefully not too much

I just wonder when I can have my safe space too, I really can't look at sh of imagined fictionalized people online... I guess the problem is centralized social media

but I think its all linked together, these works... and letting them exist, but with rigid tools that can opt out of seeing it

(no subject)

Sometimes I still think about it, if this was the right decision to approach this. I wanted to really scare them off and make them realise there's nothing about me that's appealing in any way, I have no good traits they can find worth putting up with me for, especially after how I've told him off.

They'll start cherishing the ones they have and finally grow out of me now having woken up... and there's no good reason to keep up with me at all.

I realised one day how there is no good ending out of this... I can't fulfill any roles I'm expected to play, a devoted believer...(?) And they also can't inspire me especially with these explosive encounters... it's too skewed and unrecoverable

So there is no point... I think?

Also I noticed the lurking right after a remark was made her wished someone cared for him genuinely like this character probably after reading me reminiscing my past of writing my paper...

Well that's the curse of 2nd-hand reading... I cant clarify everything... I can never tell them that was just me from before now and I think its better to be thought negatively than positively

2 morals

Not having to deal with the moral ambiguity of stumbling into rpf on here is relieving... please dont make me think anymore about these virtual people

When it comes to this, I can't do it... I can't separate between the persona and the Real person

Also now that my words has stunned that one, they'll be able to do their thing without having to think about me like how we were meant to be... it wasn't supposed to be mutual

I think I'm doing the right thing, separating between 2 things again that weren't meant to be muddied

Emotions and That game

Im a little emotionally tired, its a pretty heavy game I didn't wanna go it into detail on X since its a game from a real lived traumatic experience so I cant just prattle on whatever where she can see... especially sexual topic regardig a real person, an already uncomfortable and stigmatised experience

But its a very effective game, it made me a little shook and almost scared at times, like I want to shrivel up... but that's a necessary evil to give the message across to the player... if 'evil' the author hurting the player to tell her story then I can accept it

(no subject)

I wonder when they'll realise it... that it's okay to stop reading... I haven't deleted it yet... what do I do with it now...?

Feelkng okay...

Getting into a sensitive topic back to back can knock me out when I'm not careful... well I haven't cried in awhile so it's fine, me when I'm sexually traumatised as if that's anyone's business... stop means stop and read the room and leave it there

Also dont ever show me self harm art of real people ever again even if its fictionalized not my thing

Focusing on the positives today...

Focusing on the positives today... I wore my new salmon pink shirt, it still has the thrift store stench but for me its just familiarity

I like it, this color complements my undertone well... I also dont have to iron it unlike my other pinks. It fits well too, I dont feel uncomfortably tight or it being too baggy (I dont like clothes that arent my actual size)

I feel very Me wearing it...I will visit more thrift stores for more cool stuff (I love thrifting)

My aunt and my cousin came by so my mom made her signature dishes which she hasn't had the energy to... my favourite is the clams one, I like my mom's seafood... its so yummy

I didn't do much today other than that, I was catching up on sleep mostly. I slept for 10 hours